If you have ever been to my room you know that is possibly the best place to relax and think… or sleep for 5 days. Tonight I felt relieved, it seemed that I have been so busy and caught up in life that I have not taken the time to spend quiet time with God. I’ve found that is it is so easy to prioritize other things in your life first with the excuse that, “I’ll get these things done so I’ll have more time with God”. We know this isn’t always the case.
I decided I would have some quiet time and think about school, summer plans, work and any things that I needed to get done. Before you judge me, try it. I got to my room, (with no windows) lit some incense, turned on Olafur Arnalds, shut off the lights and closed my eyes. Instantly I felt drawn towards God, I begun to pray and found myself apologizing more than anything. Apologizing for not putting him first, not always being as good of an example as i could, not reading my Bible hardly at all or doing it in sucha manner that it was no more than a textbook or duty. The list goes on and on. I asked for forgiveness for one wrong and moved onto the other. I begun to pray that God would help me in certain areas and grant me what I asked. As I was rambling on and on about how poor of a Christian I was, I got this feeling, a thought, it was not a thundering voice or a lightening bolt from God that caught my room on fire but it was a very clear and calm message. STOP. As I was telling God about how much of a failure I was I felt like there was one response, I LOVE YOU. Almost as if God was saying, “why are you complaining about all of these things that you could have done better like I don’t already know them? I am still here”. My response was, “but God I’m not worthy, I am a horrible Christian, I don’t deserve you”. I kept getting a response “Son, i know all these things, I love you, there is nothing that you can do that will change my love for you, I have ALWAYS been there and I ALWAYS will”. Finally I stopped and just decided to listen. Here I was continuing to try to convince myself that God doesn’t love me as much because of how short i miss the mark. I was complaining to God about how much I didn’t deserve him and in essence, not allowing him to mend the areas that needed to be touched. I was trying to tell God what was wrong with me but not allowing him to help fix the issue. As I sat there on my round spinny chair that I payed way too much money on, I began to shed a few tears reminiscing. I thanked God for who he was and started to reflect on my past. I had such a sense of peace surrounding me. I recalled all of the church camps, all of the counselors and all of the opportunities I had to reach out to God but I did not do it. Hundreds of different opportunities where I could have called out to God but I didn’t want to let go. The common factor in all of these? God did not stop pursuing me. He continued to chip away at my heart. He patiently and lovingly did not stop the chase. Although I was oblivious at the time it did not negate that work was being made. The resounding message was “I didn’t stop pursuing and loving you then, why would I stop now? Why would things be different?” I sat there dumbfounded and grateful that I serve a persistent God. Regardless if you FEEL like you are close to God or if you have not been doing your part, God is still there pursuing you. Like gravity holding us down, his love does not change whether you don’t think you deserve it or not. The same God that has been fighting for you before you were born, is fighting for you now. His love is not contingent on certain circumstances like we see around us today. I sit here with a definite conclusion; something monstrously greater than myself has been reaching out, beckoning that I grab onto his hand. It doesn’t make much sense to me, but there is beauty and fulfillment encapsulated into the thought that I have the privilege to get a miniscule glimpse of a love so great.
I am not a charismatic person and very quick to write off out of the ordinary experiences but I can’t deny that God had a message to give me. No matter what you do, good or bad, God’s love is the same. There is a God that has been fighting for your place in his family since before you could form thoughts. Don’t let your doubts or downfalls keep you from God. It is hard to notice now but he is desperately trying to bring you closer to him. I know that this does not mean things will be smooth sailing from here on out but i recommend that every one of you spend some quiet time, turn your phone on silent and find a quiet place. I recommend that you think back on your life and all of the times that God was trying to bring you closer to him. You will thank me later. Thank God that we get a small glimpse of a love unlike anything we have seen before. Thank God that he is a persistent God.
There will be highs and there will be lows but the fact remains; we serve a God who will continue to pursue us whether we notice it or not. A God that continues to pour out love for us whether we deserve it or not. I hope this encourages someone as much as it does me; you are wrapped up in the midst of the most spectacular paradox ever seen, an all powerful God who is merciful, just and gracious at the same time but above all else, displays an unrelenting love that cannot be shaken.
[Late night blog posts are less likely to be read but like my schoolwork…its when the best stuff happens]
Erbswords 